Hey Dawg, if you Wanna Sit There and Tell me a Long Ass Story, can you at Least be Interesting.

This is a blog that goes out to a certain group of people. The people that think that, because they do or can do something you can't, they can tell you a 30 minute story about it and think that you're interested the whole time. Let's be serious son. Shit is straight lame. I mean, let's say, you have climbed Mount Everest. Neat. Now, if you wanna tell me the AMAZING story of how you did it, ask me if I give a shit for real first. I probably won't. It's cool and all, however, I don't need to hear every goddamn detail. "I went to Mount Everest and I climbed it. Shit was cold and it sucked for the most part." Gnarly dude. If I wanna know anymore details I'll ask you. If that's good enough, let it be good enough. This blog is inspired by the fact that I just listened to someone(who shall remain nameless) talk about his day of surfing. Honestly, how much can you tell me about it. If Kelly Slater is sitting here talking to me, I'll listen all day. Unfortunately bro, you're just some random dude who's only surfed around here and never gone and hit some serious waves. I don't know a lot about surfing and I definitely don't need to be told what it's all about by you "bruh". Shut up and pass the jay maaaaannnnn. Anyway, if you're one of these people who feels the need to tell every single detail of something you did and everything you saw, and someone said, and a bird that flew by that you saw, or a dump you took, or a bug that flew by your face, etc., just look up a couple minutes into the conversation and look at the peoples faces you're talking to. If they're staring into space.........wrap it up and just shut the fuck up.

So Tiger Woods did What Now?

You know, for a while, I thought the most annoying athlete in professional sports was Brett Favre. He's retired. He's not retired. He's retired? He's.........not retired? Who gives a shit? The dude loves attention. If i was one of that dudes new teammates on whatever team he's going to wind up playing for I would sit out as many practices after he signed that he did not participate in. When the coaches asked me what i was doing, I'd just say, "Well, if the dude we signed that's as old as my grandpa, getting paid more than me, and is just walking right into a starting spot got to miss three months or so of practice and receive all this star treatment, then I expect the same." I mean, it's hard to argue against that. But anyway, that's for another time.
Ahhh Tiger Woods. That photo embodies the majesticness of a man who took a sport that most people could have cared less about until he arrived. The best golfer in the world. The richest athlete in the world. Any and everything he wanted was his. He was, in a sense, a King. So, in true kingly fashion, he lived like a king. He had money to throw around. He lived a lavish lifestyle. He did whatever he wanted and knew that nothing would happen to him. Unfortunately, as history has shown us, every now and then the king gets overthrown.
Last year, around thanks giving, one of the kings wenches was discovered by the queen. In this case the queen was former Swedish model Elin Nordegren. Rather than a sword fight, her weapon of destruction was a golf club. The irony of the situation was tremendous. A golf club. The tool that helped the pauper rise to the top and claim his crown, was now being bashed into his face. The king fled to his chariot,which, in this case was his Escalade. He then proceeded to crash this chariot into a tree, a fire hydrant, and his neighbors yard. Poor Jose must have had to round his vatos up quickly to fix that mess.
Then came the story spinning. All the kings men set out to create a story to put the king's image back together again. We were led to believe that King Woods was under the influence of Ambien causing his accident. For a while everyone was wondering the status of our king's condition hoping he was ok. It almost worked. For a moment all the King's subjects were worried and waiting for a healthy and safe recovery. Only time will really tell if Tiger ever will actually recover.
Eventually it came out that the real story behind all this was that Elin found out about one of Tiger's mistresses. Let the shit show begin. Immediately the whole situation was on every major network in the universe. Sports news shows, entertainment, news shows, financial news shows, news news shows. The Kings approval rating dipped to a level that would make George Bush Jr. say, "Man, at least I'm not Tiger." This was all expected after the true story came out. The only thing that could help would be for Tiger to return to his kingdom, apologize to his Royal Subjects, and get back to winning majors and making everyone forget. This, however, is not what happened.
Tiger Woods announced he was taking and, "Indefinite Leave." From the sport to figure this all out. However, it took some time for this to happen because no one knew what he was doing or where he was. All we did know was that he sure wasn't with his wife. Which led to what I like to call, the classic, "Well, there's no new news so lets just say the same thing over and over again but bring up different ways of looking at it angle.", the news people love to use when they have a big celebrity story and no new information to go on. Then, suddenly, more than 10 other women came out and said they had had affairs with Tiger. Then Tiger went to rehab. Sex rehab. not even Dr. Drew sex rehab. These events sparked even more media coverage. It's all pretty impressive considering this jerk never said a goddamn word the entire time. Honestly i don't know if he actually said anything for months. You would figure somebody would have overheard something or convinced him to confide in them and then immediately sell this information to the highest bidder. All there were were reports. A new one everyday consisting of whatever was said yesterday plus one new small little thing that the news teams could use as an excuse to put their, "Breaking News", banner across the screen.
Then, finally, it happened. Tiger Woods was ready to talk. In true self serviant fashion he alerted the media of this. He let them know three days or so before giving a nationally televised press conference to explain himself. No press release. No blog on his website. No private sit down with those closest to him. Tiger knew we would all be glued around our televisions hanging onto every word as he read his notes and gave an explanation. He probably thought this would be the new, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" for our generation. You wanna know what I was doing? That's a good question because I don't even remember. I could not have cared less. When Kennedy was shot I didn't even exist yet. Which, in my opinion, is a way cooler answer.
Which leads me to the triumphant return of the King. Tiger said in his statement he did not know when he was going to return. Which is funny considering every sports journalist seemed to be willing to bet everything they owned on the Master's Tournament. Guess when Tiger is returning...... The Master's. Of Course. How could a man with an ego bigger than any sand trap he's had to face not return on the biggest stage of them all in his sport. Why return for a smaller tournament to refine his skill and get used to being back in competition. Because the King is the greatest. He is the ruler. He is, "THE MASTER". So, we will soon witness the Kings return. Will his subject still support him? Will the turn their backs and seek out a new royal figure to follow? I don't know and honestly could not care less. Tiger will still have his money and fans. This will all be forgotten the first time we see that mighty fist pump. One win, and the King will be securely back on his thrown. I guess Mel Brooks said it best in the movie, " History of the world pt.1" when he said, "It's good to be the King.".

Guess who's back...........

What's crappenin' knuckleheads? I know It's been a minute since I've been out of the game,but, I'm back baby. I've been inspired by Brett Favre and have decided to make everybody wait a year or so before returning. Anyway, a lot has happened since my past postings so I should have a lot to talk about. Either that or I'll forget again and you'll have to wait for version 3.0 sometime in '11 or so. Soooo, yeah. That's it. Let the trash talking begin. Hope you still love me and I still got it. Peace!!!!

J.Nathaniel Boekesch